A few days ago, I was picking up my daughter from her dad's when I decided to talk to him about where we stand. He had previously stated that for us to move forward, we needed to start marriage counseling. I asked him if he had found someone to do marriage counseling with yet. It had been about two weeks. He said he didn't. So I dug a little deeper into why he felt the need to be passive about this issue. After several attempts at getting to the truth, I finally saw the evidence of his true intentions. I realized that he sought to gain back the power that I took from him in our relationship. The power he used to put me down and make me feel inferior to him for over a decade. I asked him why he loved me. He didn't have an answer. I asked him why he wanted to be with me. He said he didn't know. I realized that any other outcome besides him regaining a domineering power over me was unacceptable to him. I used to allow such instances like this to trigger me and get under my skin. I have since learned to embrace my pain and sorrow over realizing how insignificant I actually am to him as a partner. I didn't have to convince myself that I didn't deserve his mistreatment of me, I only discovered it. I have since seen his narcissistic tendencies and insincere heart that I no longer entertain.
I have learned to defeat uncomfortable situations in my life by allowing emotional pain to process within me appropriately. It is the only way for me to get over anything. To sit with the sadness, sorrow, and frustration, feel it fully and acknowledge its presence and influence, let it overcome me for a moment with its harsh sting, and then let it dissipate and leave my heart and mind. That is the deep work of overcoming emotional pain. I don't want to carry around someone else's negative burdens. It only perpetuates the vicious cycle of narcissism versus empathy, and thus, allowing anyone's power over me subconsciously. That is what a narcissist ultimately wants, to create this codependency. I have learned to do good and better than I did in my past relationships because it is simply the right thing to do. That is how I was able to come to terms with accepting my life as a loner. I don't choose to be single and alone to please anyone else. I refuse to live my life on someone else's terms. I just decide to be free from the emotional pain and complications that come with the territory of being more social. I experience way less stress when all I have to do is check in with myself and be accountable for myself being on track with my goals of healing. I am happier this way.