Someone once told me, “Sometimes, life can be so overwhelming that the only thing to do is alienate oneself from the world.” I can't help being as apprehensive as I am to handle some of the heavier matters of life. I like to think that I am desensitizing myself to everything that has held me back, but progress is rather slow. Nonetheless, it is progress. It counts for something. Maybe I didn't give enough of that kind of credit. It's too late now. Life goes on, and I must move along with it. Something I never considered before and had struggled to understand most of my life is how to begin trusting God. I never grasped the concept. Like the one of God walking the earth. I feel like I am starting to, though. How can I question God's faithfulness when I plainly see that I never get harmed in the riskiest of positions? I'm more stubborn than I want to believe that I am. No one else has His position, to allow or disallow absolutely anything from happening. Above all, He ultimately determines every outcome. I have noticed high enough patterns in my life to realize that it was His hand that covered me every single instance that made me uncertain. Even through my deepest insecurities, He performed miracles just to show me that particular love that I needed, but not yet knew I wanted so badly. He knows I won't push the boundaries, but find myself in tight spots sometimes either way. He always shows up, does what only He can do, and leaves me with another tiny seed of reassurance that leaves me feeling appreciation mixed with guilt. I get reassured, over and over. Where is my reciprocity? It might not be much, but I hope to at least offer Him my trust. I owe Him at least that. I had a screwed up idea of trust most of my life, and divine intervention changes all that. People can only be trusted so much, and when all else fails, it is just you and God. Otherwise, it would just be you, and that's scary. I can only hope that every heartfelt expression I have offered Him counts towards the blessings that He sees me fit to have. Even when I have felt that there is not much going for me, I'm able to see that I have more spiritually than most people can say. Even without all the dramatic showcasing and aimless proving of status.
My heart matters to God more than anyone can ever say. Maybe He has a soft spot for little ones like me. I threw everything I could at Him, without reservation, and He only embraced me more. I thought I wasn't ready; I was still so very freshly wounded. I feel so fortunate to know of a love so tender and forbearing from God. And yet I still struggle more than anyone I know, to walk uprightly, to be an example, to pass on something worthy of His name. I have always been so inadequate in the world, no matter how I have tried to be relevant. The more I try to fit in and just be me, the clearer God makes it that my place is with Him and always will be. His jealousy has only broken me as far as I could handle. He knew no matter what I would always run straight to Him, even when His will stands firmly against my rebelliousness. It was always for my good. But I never needed to know that for it to be true. It just was.
I know that no one and nothing will ever separate me from the love of God. At my best and my worst, no matter where I am. I carry Him in my heart because He makes me feel valuable. If I matter to absolutely no one else, I can never doubt that I matter to God. I had come to a point where I made up my mind and decided to involve Him more. His guidance is sure, even if I don't agree with it right away. One way or another I always surrender. I trust no one else to know better and have the best possible judgment. With God, I have never gone wrong. Despite my frustrations, God finds a way to help me at least accept His will, whether I understand it or not. My obedience is what matters. I am still one of the most rebellious souls I know. How could I have the heart to reach out to God the way I do, and then contradict myself by being so defiant to follow what I know deep down in my soul is the truth of all truths? Is this the thorn in my side I was meant to bear? There has to be a way to deal, to overcome, to have my victory in God. Perhaps all the ways I have tried have not bared much fruit because they are my efforts, my way. Sometimes I try to make something count that is meaningful to me, yet has no place with God as if I could change God's mind. Yeah right.
My will is nothing like His will. That's why trusting is so important. I didn't understand that before. I have clung to absolutely everything I should have readily let go of throughout my entire life. I'm sure He had that in mind when it came to showing me why I needed to trust, even when nothing prompted me to. I guess that's one of the beauties of connecting with God with realness on a deep level. Giving yourself to Him in a way that facilitates exclusive vulnerability that will never be taken advantage of, but appreciated. God knew the last few years would lead me to this place. With each passing year, He gradually brings me closer to where He needs me to be to show more of Himself. Knowing that for me to make progress -- that's the only way I will be convinced to unfold a little more for Him and sincerely trust that He will cover me no matter what. Fear is what has always gripped me and held me back from crossing lines I could have been running past so long ago. I'm sure when I reach my destination I will feel foolish for hanging onto the security of fear and familiarity.
God gave me a brave heart that He has influenced me to use for His purpose. I am adamant to keep His blessings sacred. I fear Him with divine respect. Most of my humility comes from that regard. God wants me to go deeper, though. He knows I have yearned to be buried in His Spirit and see only Him in all my being. I can't take the chance to have any fear. He prompted me to have no fear even if I felt I didn't understand. He knew fear was my problem. I didn't know that I simply had no knowledge of how to trust. I gave myself to things and people that never warranted my efforts. I am grateful that He has always stepped in to protect me from being so sucked in that I would lose my identity with God. If nothing else, His favor is all I have. For no one else have I denied pleasures that would make me the happiest person. I sacrificed the greatest treasures of my heart to please God and be as true as I could be. Hoping those efforts would count with Him more than anything. I think they did, I still hold to those standards, for no other reason than God's attention.
His love is guaranteed, even His grace, but his individual and exclusive care and presence are worth more than my soul. In the midst of my most shameful failures, I call out to Him, and He answers. When my heart is desperate and my spirit shattered, God doesn't show up; He was there all along. I am sometimes blind to His attempts to simply show me better than I know. I wasted a lot in trying to learn lessons the hard way, entirely lost. Time and opportunities that I can never regain.
While everyone around me stands behind an invisible wall that God placed to shield me -- He has been right there, watching, waiting, and teaching me what it is to love by His standards rather than my own or anyone else's. He knew how much harder it would be to gain my heart if He allowed others to captivate it even remotely as much as He can. I feel good knowing that my heart is not worth losing to God. Even in its brokenness that He has so generously and carefully repaired, it is more cherished in His hands than in anyone else's.
I have known more brokenness in my life than wholeness. Although I assumed the brokenness of my life was my fault, I have realized that my life experiences molded my heart to be how God wants it to be. Not what I or anyone else desires. I have a different love to offer, which I hope that even in my weakest moments, remains strong enough to reassure God that one of His little ones still desires Him so earnestly. I strive to view Him in a way that is unconfined by convention we humans use to make sense of everything. Sin separates me from God, and I cannot know God without real love in my heart.
There are principles that God shares which you can't find in His Word, yet are just as true as what He has already revealed. Revelations that are given exclusively to those He sees fit. Just because He is God and He can. I have always wondered what it meant to know God truly, even beyond the requirement of holding the love He approves. I came to liken God knowing me to what I already know about relationships and connecting with people. Once I got that far, He led me to offer Him an intimacy that I share with no one else. A knowledge of every part of me that only He would keep sacred, an exclusive closeness that only He would accept, understand, cherish, and reciprocate so keenly. The best parts of me that I offered to others that I regarded so highly were rejected so harshly because they remain reserved for God. He was just waiting for me to come around. I finally gave Him that place, willingly, without reservation, and with every ounce of dedication, I had left in me. If God couldn't have me, no one could. I can respect how He always facilitated that truth. I used to wonder why, but I am satisfied with the notion that who I am is more valuable to God in my most broken state than I will ever be to any human being, now or ever. God had appealed to my sense of love, even when it didn't entirely reflect His statutes. I know no one who can claim the same, whether in action or just intentions.
I can't ignore God's expressions to me, even when I don't realize they are working for me and my benefit. I still find it a little hard to believe that a God so great could be so pure in His approach to winning the heart of a single person. His diligence with me has endured everything in my life. I have never had to doubt his presence, His reverence as a father that looks out for His children even when they want to do their own thing or His honor as a just God that never lets His word fall to the ground. I once allowed myself to walk right up to the edge of faith and disbelief. My anger wanted to choose what made me feel best at the time, but my heart decided to take a chance on God. Being the hopeless romantic I am, He sought to woo me with patience and enduring presence. Offering what only He can, still. My best self lies with Him if only I'll let Him bring that person out of me more.
I was close to building something that would make God smile. I never seem to fail to let things get in the way, just for the sake of it. I can't pick up where I left off; it took me so much just to get there. My mistake lied in hesitating. Hesitating to give the parts of myself that remained. The secret parts that make us as humans more precious than all the angels in heaven. I thought I could do it, and I was on my way to experiencing newness with God. I blew it. God is gracious to no end, though. I can never allow myself to take what He offers me for granted. Maybe I was scared that I would feel too much pressure. I was afraid of the very thing I wanted, the real favor of God. I knew I would have to earn my place, wherever He truly wanted me to be. I was probably afraid of losing all I knew I had to walk into a higher realm of God. Being able to walk with Him holding my hand would require that I never look back as I went forward being led only by Him. He knew why I retreated the way I did, beyond why even I think so. I mistakenly believed for so long that I only had one shot at everything and that I had to make it count as much as possible. I thought I lost some of what God was already giving me when I let fear overcome me and keep me down. I no longer felt worthy of everything I had already experienced in getting to know Him. I believed too strongly that life would always be that beautiful and only get better as I grew with God. My innocence and naiveté got the best of me and left me more shattered than I ever imagined. God knew what He was doing, though. I was like a little kid that clung to God, but eventually, I had to break free of that dependence and do something with what He had taught me. I crumbled because I was still holding onto an understanding of love from people that I used as a measuring stick against everyone in my life. It was the only time I ever felt that I was much too weak to handle those and any other trials that were sure to come my way. It was the first time God held a mirror to my heart and prompted me to see how lonely I was and how dependent I was on the regard of others to boost my self-esteem.
I couldn't handle the truth and in the same desperation that I would turn to God with, I turned to secure love. Accepting regard from anyone for anything, just to feel a shallow validation that always left me feeling emptier than before. I shut my heart back up and layered, even more, chains and armor. I couldn't handle either side of the option I had. It wasn't until later that I was able to see how God wanted me to walk through a fire that would purify me and please Him greatly. I needed to tread alone, looking only to Him, only getting His help as He sought fit, and making my relationship even more sacred with the purity I would be able to present to Him after making such a great sacrifice. I yanked my loyalty back, like a terrified child. As hard as the trial felt, I failed to keep faith in knowing that God would never allow me to experience pain greater than I could handle, few times have I ever felt so desolate. One of the only times I wondered if God was still supportive of me. If I would still find Him when I sought Him. He had never felt so far away; I thought the worst. I faced my greatest flaws and still refused to compromise my dearest comfort. I didn't feel ready, despite God preparing me and showing me that I was. My natural instinct told me I was unable to fulfill such high demand. I listened to that instinct over God's voice. I never felt more of a coward. I fought to gain strength in the midst of the greatest challenge in life I ever encountered.
Later, I got a glimpse into a perspective that let me see how Jesus the man had to overcome His love for people and His desire to remain with them to fulfill God's will. God always has a plan in mind, a divine purpose beyond any of our understanding. I felt the need to understand all that before I took on the challenge God gave me. I struggled through confusion, through keeping my hope in others alive, through whose needs to prioritize. Jesus overcame. We would all be doomed without the strength He allowed to take over and claim the victory. After considering similarities, I felt better about not giving up entirely. I regained my hope and got my insecurities out of the way. I did my best to show God how much I want the life He wants for me. So that there would never be any question in my mind that the experiences I endure have a higher purpose always meant to bring God glory; no matter whether I see it or not. I couldn't wait for others anymore, not even for myself. I convinced myself to let go of each thing I felt held me back from serving God with my whole being. I have yet to finish, but I hope God will remember me and find my efforts pleasing rather than irrelevant. I can't fear time; it doesn't exist in God. All I can consider is where I am each moment that I take notice. A little progress is better than none and is far more productive than sitting back and letting my blessings remain unclaimed.
God is eager to embrace me. When I feel his tug at my heart the strongest - I remember how much He has fought against so many and so much to claim me. How much he Has battled on my behalf to preserve me to this day. I can't let His pure love go to waste. I cannot let it all be useless. I must empty myself of everything I have ever learned from this rational world to adopt the characteristics that He is just waiting to imbue into me. I yearn with all my heart to hear Him call me His child. How can I hear His voice speak that over my life when I have been so unwilling to call Him my God?
I know the greatest dedication I have offered to any one person. I know I have a lot to prove to get to where God will be most pleased with me, not where I will be most pleased. I as a person and citizen of this earth must die. My mind, heart, and soul should be able to see only Him. My loyalty will be my greatest armor against whatever challenges my service to God. I thought I knew loyalty, but I was delusional. I can't change my past to make myself seem more of what I wish I could be, effortlessly. That would be unfair and insincere. I have shown God my greatest weakness, having faith that He would find a way to help me see His strength in it. My little piece of hope lies in believing that if I could allow myself to bear the heartache of being so utterly alone and helpless, trust in God's judgment of time and His process to purify me -- I have no need to fear uncertainty or anything that got in the way in the past. Personally, I see giving your heart to God as a rite of passage. The challenging, yet sacred ceremony of giving God my heart leaving no part out. To trust him with my heart makes me the most vulnerable I could be as a person. Even death can't faze me. My heart, though, is very, very guarded. God can unlock things that man has made, but my heart is what I protect more than anything. Mostly because the innocence He Has allowed me to keep is what keeps me from going insane beyond the point of no return.
My innocence is what keeps me reachable by God. It's all that keeps my fragile heart open to anything. I may not have a child-like faith, but whatever hope I do hold, it is the one thing I have fiercely protected from being murdered. I believe that is why certain people swiftly disappeared from my life. As stubborn as I am just to do what I need to do on a consistent basis for God -- I am equally adamant about having this hope and faith that keeps me from hating people. It is always influencing me to love others as God has loved me. I can't help but feel for people the way I do; God instilled it in me. Ever since I can remember, I have maintained the standard of seeing each new person I meet with fresh new eyes and giving the benefit of the doubt, no matter what. My desire for connection with others stems from my childhood. Although that desire has led me to some scary destinations, God's will always shelter me from the very worst of outcomes.
My desire is strong, and it has a purpose in God. I don't think I would feel this strongly about it if it didn't. To love others ureservedly is my ultimate goal. To allow others to get to know of God's enduring love for them through my openness and intentions for their welfare. I can't bear to see a person suffering; it's the one thing I will never keep myself from trying everything in my power to help. I feel like God allowed my life to be such an example of emotional suffering because my experiences affected my heart so deeply. That is what allows me to love people in a powerful way which comforts them when they could find no other support elsewhere. God puts me in places and positions to be that person in people's lives that offers love they don't expect or had experienced before. When someone's heart cries out to God as my own has in the past, God sends me to revive their hope. I thought it to be a strange pattern in my life at first. I almost dismissed it as something that just came with the territory of having God's name attached to your soul. I learned that this pattern existed long before I even thought about going to any church. God saw my yearning for exclusivity and intimacy, and He molded it to work for His glory. I wondered why my presence seemed to change people and influence them to make their lives better. How could beat up old me make such a difference in someone's life just by being myself? I still don't understand what people see in me, but part of me likes to think that they become drawn to God, who dwells in me and the love He has nurtured me to give. He relies on the fact that I can't help myself. He counts on me to give people what they need so that they don't turn to things that would end up destroying them. It's one of the things I have questioned the least because I love what it offers me in return.
I submitted to His rule over my life after experiencing loneliness in my life so harshly that it almost made my heart turn completely black. I lost some hope in people, but now that lack of full trust is used to keep me safer than before. I couldn't even fathom my heart feeling so betrayed by people that I was willing to turn my back on them once and for all. It was then that I realized how Jesus loved people to the point of death. He sacrificed His desire to be loved to commit the greatest act of love in a way the human race had never known before. God made himself entirely vulnerable, allowed Himself to be fully taken advantage of, to the point that most people could hardly attain. He allowed himself to be hurt emotionally. God held onto that love to the very end. He never let go of His love for His creation. I can attest to loving so much and so deeply that I endured so much pain for the benefit of someone else. God showed me that my love is deep and extends a long way for most people He has placed in my life, but it does have a limit, despite my assumption that it knew no bounds. Only God's love is like that. I tried to love boundlessly and freely, thinking it was more than enough. God needed me to offer more for His service and glory. In hindsight, I believe he was trying to show me that to love others to fulfill my yearning, the desires of my heart, and His will -- I needed to do it His way. Without any personal influence from me, anyone else, or anything else.
His love covers so much. My mortal and natural sense to love pales in comparison. I will always need God to get to where I want to be. I need His permission and blessing for most things. I knew of God's particular rule in my life this way before I even came to accept it. It took a great deal of brutal heartache and a stubbornness to match for me to accept that God was greater than my will no matter what. Like a child, I eventually got the idea that a certain level of reservation and careful discretion would have to replace my ideal of a happy existence if I was going to survive life being who I am, period. I learned to put and keep boundaries in place, to command a certain kind of respect that keeps me from being taken for granted. That respect is one of the most valuable things that I maintain. It's nice to be able to enjoy the treatment that I sought from others all along. Boundaries gave me a value I never expected to be so commendable. They also made me more aware of leeches with selfish agendas. A constant that I was hardly able to dodge in the past, much less identify soon enough to protect myself. Boundaries protect me as much as having God's influence in the matter. No desire is worth God showing you how much he disapproves of how you make up your mind. I realized that God feels jealous for us and how much control and power He could demonstrate to make His position as clear as possible.
My eyes opened to just how attentive God was of me and everything I was doing, feeling, and hoping. I had let people come between God and me. My reasoning and justification were no matches for God's firmness and undeniable holiness. I had no defense; I couldn't deny that the passion I bottled up for years prior was unquenchable after my heart was triggered to let down every guard. I can't take back my mistakes that made God upset then; I have since done my best to make things right and repair my relationship with God. I decided to give Him my heart and made up my mind that I would never let anyone come between us again. I did a lot of making up, accepting that I could spend the rest of my life working to make God's heart smile and that it would be more than worth it. I can't give God back a fraction of the love and care He has so generously given me. Above every desire I have ever felt, I want to be able to spend eternity loving my God. In my heart, He is my King, ruler of my whole existence as He sees fit. My desires as a normal human being and the comfort people and this world have to offer, is not worth feeling the slightest distance from God. Even in the throes of my harshest emotions, I make sure I reach out to God. Sometimes his holiness and nature as God will keep Him quiet, but thankfully never too far away.
When all I see is Him and my desire is only to Him, I can feel His eagerness love my tattered soul with such tenderness. He is gentle, yet powerfully moving. No one can touch my heart like God. My secret inner parts are His, and no one can take them from Him. Just like no one can change how dearly I feel for my God. He is my maker, I exist because of Him, and I live and breathe according to His control. I don't submit to God because I feel in any way pressured to do so, but out of a desire to make my Lord happy. I know that He would not wish for me to spend eternity in hell, especially after doing everything in His power to guide me towards a life that pleases Him. Or spending most of my life trying to convince me of His faithfulness and place as the one true God, who is deeper than most people imagine. I wish my human nature weren't as frustrating as it seems to be to God sometimes. As much as I try to be as pure and pleasing to Him as I can be, my failures still discourage me sometimes. My history with God makes me harder on myself than most people I've known to be perfectionists in faith. I may never get it totally right, but I hope my love and my life is sufficient to have a place to worship Him for all of the eternity of time. I always end up feeling that offering myself as a lump of clay for God's hands to form into whatever He wants is all I will ever have to give Him. I can't seem to do much else besides express my heart to Him, remind Him of my attachment to Him, and nurture a personal bond with Him that reassures His love for those of us that struggle the most, but keep humility in our hearts because we know we are nothing without Him. I have been God's tool to share His love in a tangible and real way with those He seeks to reach and take hold of their hearts. I thought it was easy to serve God, but the more you invest, the deeper you dive, the more He requires of you. I learned that pushing myself to the limit to meet God, and then let Him take over from there is how He teaches me to see, regard, and be with Him the way it was always meant to be. A team effort, but a fair request from the one that knows my capabilities. He knows me better than I know myself, from the moment I was but a thought in His mind, He knew what my existence would entail, in his favor or not.
I believe that despite the flaws that we as His most special and cherished creation have demonstrated, even on the deepest levels, the perfect love that a genuinely willing heart offers him has the greatest worth in His eyes. I imagine that God created evil to test and weed out weaker hearts that sometimes have made those stronger hearts love Him more than He might have thought so. The business of inviting His creation to love Him is a very delicate one. Even God being who He is, will cater to His beloved creation at the risk of never gaining their deepest affections as He hopes, just for the possibility that they will use their free will to comfort Him and bring joy to His heart. When God is happy, all truly is right with the world. I can imagine the love that wants to burst out of God onto us when He sees something in us that makes Him feel like creating us was the best thing He could have done with his power and majesty. I don't want to be a regret in God's mind. I disappointed God once; I can't live through that kind of experience and aftermath again. I have grown to feel more than I thought I could for God. I find ways to reassure Him of how I feel for Him even when my life is in the grips of my fears, in the depths of sin, or seems more influenced by the things of the world. I was never prompted to wonder if God ever questioned my heart after expressing everything I have in love and reverence to Him, even through my greatest struggles to remain faithful and fight the good fight.
I don't want Him to feel like I am taking Him for granted or tickling His ears. I frustrate myself the most with my flaws, failures, and stubborn thinking. Some things I assume I will fight to change about myself until my last breath. I struggle to understand the simple and direct things that God has established for us to live by and follow. It makes me wish I could wipe my mind and start anew with only what God wants me to hold dear and practice. Then, what interest would the Bible have as His Word? I did what I envisioned and set out to do, taking the initiative to serve God to the best of my ability. Giving myself as much as I could, as my willing choice as an adult. I wanted to escape every influence I was used to and see where my independent desire would lead me. I got farther than I ever did but was utterly embarrassed at myself for proving to be as weak as what any other challenge prior had brought out of me. I held on like never before in similar situations. I ran out of all the goodness that I had spent so much time and effort building. I used desperate measures, but nothing changed. I wasn't dealing with something familiar; I was scrambling to make sense of what was happening in my life. I questioned everything and found no comfort or explanation. I cried out to God like never before, but I asked for relief when what He needed me to do the most was suck it up, take the beating, and rejoice in my suffering because it was for His glory. My lowest moment, begging for a shred of anything that would help me through the storm raging through my heart in the grips of the greatest pain it had ever endured. I got a taste of how Jesus felt abandoned on the cross. Besides my efforts to handle the challenges I will face in the future, my most fervent prayer is for God to prepare me adequately for what is to come. Since my declaration to be His, it has never gotten easier. At the same time, I always become stronger than I was in almost every area of my service.
Never before was I reassured of God's promises and presence in my life during my time of isolation. My emotional state was in repair mode, avoiding everything that would disturb my healing wounds. God wanted to keep me from going deeper into my pain, but I fed it with everything I knew I was not supposed to. I questioned so much until I drove myself crazy and just opted for the coward's easy way out. I faced the truth of seeing how my love and dedication went through a process of being proven, and I selfishly reserved my energy to give away my heart to people far from worthy. Because it was familiar, because it was easier, because I assumed anything was better than suffering the ache of betrayal, absolute loneliness, and solitude. I had a reservation I discovered was still keeping me from giving my all to God. It was too late before I succumb to temptations I thought I would never entertain in my life again. My shame was written all over me. Too scared to reach back to God, too broken to know where even to start, too discouraged to even see me with the same respect again. I learned the hard way that I couldn't trust myself to be that independent with that much freedom. Still, God was in the background, probably feeling sorry for me being too weak to get through a trial that would have set the stage for victories he was just waiting to bless me. I missed out big time. Only I have kept myself from making the breakthroughs in my life that God so eagerly wants to facilitate. I was humbled to learn that God was with me despite my descent into a sinful lifestyle I never saw coming. It was being shocked at myself that convinced me never to set statements and intentions in stone again.
Human nature is not as predictable as I assumed. Even with all that, God waited for me to seek Him out, this time with my tail between my legs. All I could express was repentance for my shortcomings. I felt like I let down a lot of people, but I disappointed God most of all. It was hard to move past the shame and all the other emotions that enveloped my heart despite my trying to keep myself together. My experiences since then made my heart go from total mush to a solid brick before riding a few more emotional roller coasters to shake off any remaining insecurities. God watched my heart get put through a blender ever since I walked away from living fully for Him. I was afraid that there would be nothing left of it to offer even Him. To my surprise and great appreciation, I got an opportunity to share more of myself with God. It reassured me of God’s unfailing care. I didn't expect Him to meet me when I entered that sacred place to seek His face. I was finally able to share the secret parts of my heart with God; it was all or nothing at that moment. I let God see my ugliness; it was my inviting Him to get to know me fully that made the difference. I felt like a little girl, telling her father her most guarded and sacred secrets, just to express the level of trust eager to be established. God embraced my heart, despite my fears of rejection that were all too familiar. It wasn't until I put my greatest vulnerabilities in the hands of God to protect and take as my offering that I honestly felt ready and unafraid to restore my communication with Him and embrace His strength rather than my own. As I got comfortable with sharing more and more of my heart and self with God, I noticed fears and insecurities becoming conquered. I grew to feel confidence in God that I never had before. I was learning to nurture a sacred intimacy with my God that was more beautiful than I could have imagined. Now that He knew my heart better, He catered to it more accurately.
I had left all the effort in the hands of God in the past when it came to our relationship. Being stripped of my strong will prompted me to give God what was left in me so it wouldn't be taken like everything else was. My ego, my pride, my sense of security, my confidence, my hopes and dreams, my passion -- all shattered, destroyed and mangled with the rage that came out of me the day I fought to the death with my personal demons. My authority was in full force and taking no prisoners. If I was going down, I was taking them to the grave with me. I had proven to myself that I could defeat anything and anyone. I experienced a bravery that squeezed the last bits of hesitation and reservation out of me for good. My demons came after me relentlessly, got my attention, and sparked fierceness I didn't know I had. I scared myself with the unbelievable strength I had, to uphold meekness and stand my ground like a ferocious warrior hungry for blood. I was tired of getting punked around by principalities that thought they could hold me down. I never looked back. I laugh at insecurity and don’t involve myself with games and drama at my expense. God showed me a bit of the authority He gave me through that dramatic fiasco. I felt the heaviness of fear and oppression lift as I fought to claim my power back. I snatched it without mercy from the very hands that stole it from me. I trumped every aimless attempt to defeat me; I became the warrior that I knew I could be. My power radiating beyond me so much that I couldn't understand its influence. It was raw and wild; I had to contain it. God let me have the upper hand after that from every attempt to make me feel inferior. I could no longer accept defeat in any battle. I struggled too much to let my victory go so quickly.
I have struggled less since I decided to develop better attitudes about every situation. I let my heart feel what it was desperately trying to avoid as a radical approach to getting the closure I needed. Feeling that heartache is what I keep in mind to avoid returning to a position of being in an exhausting circus of emotions. I allowed myself to grieve what I was letting go of and left the possibilities to God. My heart has mourned the things that I once hoped for so much. I have moved on, holding on to nothing but God’s hand as He leads me to peace. I realized that I had nothing to lose. I turned to God to help me keep my will strong. My strength to endure relies on His intervention. With the assurance that my heart remains with Him, I have more liberty to be myself. God shows me how much better He wants for me and can provide. I went from thinking I was doomed to live a miserable life full of regrets to embracing the possibilities that still exist for me. I have no idea what to expect in the future, but with God’s careful guidance I will reach the peace I know exists for me.