I was looking through old private journal entries when I came across this excerpt that reinforces my current attitude about how I project myself.
I am beginning to foster an attitude of not caring who thinks I am wrong in any way. I have wasted too much energy trying to put myself out there as good. I am not good, although I am also not entirely bad. I am becoming more comfortable with sharing my true self. The me who is fearless. Why try to hide it? I am who I am; I must be unapologetic to everyone but God.
It still surprises me that people react so harshly when they realize that I am not 'perfect.' It makes me feel like I somehow need their permission to mess up. I often get told that I put out this persona or vibe of innocence. It seems to convince people firmly that I can't possibly do wrong, which is pretty unrealistic. I am still a human being, which means I make mistakes and lots of them. I'm very careful about the exposure of those mistakes. Harsh reactions make me so uncomfortable. I need to feel more liberty to show more of who I really am. The whole me, not just the sparkly, lovely, and dependable parts of me that people have come to identify me as.
I am no longer comfortable with trying to hide my strong opinions. I need to let my bad habits be known, and I need to express my unconventional beliefs. I think that I hold back ruffling feathers because I am capable of being quite harsh. My straightforward communication can be pretty intimidating and scary to most people. I don't like fluff. I can't help but be as direct as I am. That is part of being my true self - not beating around the bush. I am confident that my habit to get right to the heart of things is due to the insightful nature of my mind. I see things way differently than most people. It is as much a curse as it is a blessing.
As I shed insecurities, my confidence in owning my whole identity is growing. I guess I feared judgment mostly. Especially because I seem to be so highly unrelatable on things like lifestyle, thought processes, interests, and relationships. So I'm only trying to educate and inform people of my uncanny ways. I'm sure it would help to find a community of people that can relate and resonate with me. Being weird is nice, but it can be so isolating sometimes. I need to get to know other weirdos. Nice ones of course.