Eleven years ago, on this date, I was just a few days into starting my very first blog when I decided to write this post:
Rudy and I brought home a cat and a kitten yesterday. They are so gorgeous. I'm going to keep the adult female. She would get along better with Shadow. I am naming her Willow. I've started my own address book, finally after so long. It's about time I made a place to keep everyone's info. My mom has told me that she wants Rudy and I to take her to The Getty Museum, I hope that's spelled right. I found my USB drive I used to wear around my neck, although there wasn't so much of the lost documents I was hoping to find. I lost an SD card Rudy got me for my camera and when I left once I stored everything I had on his laptop onto the card. Once I got to my mom's house, the card got lost. That damn thing is so small, I should have kept it in the camera, I forgot why I took it out. I seriously have to find that card. There's a lot of valuable documents from my childhood and even from before I lost the card on there. I guess I should have backed everything up online. I've learned my lesson though, now everything I have is online where it can never be deleted or lost. Recently Jose got in touch with me. He let me know that he was trying for months to get a hold of me but since he reached me and we talked now he says he forgot why he wanted to get a hold of me. I don't understand that but I'm not trying to play any stupid games. My mom was talking to me yesterday about what to do in the situation of Carlos and Diane getting into an argument and wanting my opinion on what they should do or say. She said that if it should happen I should just stay out of it and not say anything. I told her that I'm not like that, Carlos is my brother and Diane is Rudy's cousin, we're family. It's not like they are some roommates that we don't personally know. I told her how Rudy and I went over to their apartment because we were having a dispute and needed someone to talk to about it. I also told her how I know that Carlos would never mind me wanting him to be involved like that and how there should never be any cause for tension like that. She seemed to understand, so I guess she didn't quite see how serious everyone is about the issue. My mom taught me well in not butting in to people's business when it's not called for, but if someone needs my help how can I not heed? Thing are looking up as far as our moving situation, I can't wait to start the progress once we're there.
I have come a long way since then. Particularly regarding maturity. I still write about my day to day life, but mostly in the privacy of my journals. Lately, I have been feeling stifled though. I have this need to share and express, but over the past couple of years, I have struggled to figure out just what held me back from being able to be as open as I once was about my identity and what I hope to represent. I realized that my stumbling block was my fear of embracing my truth. The things about me and my life that I have kept hidden or secret, mostly to suit others. What I was experiencing was a block in my mind because I felt like I was not authentic. I'm ready to step back into authenticity. I'm not afraid anymore. So I'll share some of the things that have tripped me up the most and kept me from being my real self up until now. Doing this serves as a release for me, a statement of freedom from fear, an account of bravery despite anyone's judgments of me, and of confidence in who I am - because at the end of the day - I am simply human, just like anyone else.
I have promoted the idea that we should be real with ourselves and with others. So, this is my reality. Back in January 2014, I became romantically involved with a man I'll call "the coach." It was supposed to be on my terms of a one-time thing, but his insistence on keeping me involved in his life was hard to decline. So I chose to embrace him. We grew close, but all the while I dealt with his terms of keeping his romantic involvement with me a secret. He was separated from his wife and estranged from his older children. His kids eventually came around, but his wife eventually divorced him. I put up with a lot of confusion while I was involved with him. When I met him, I still considered myself married, but my husband was in prison. I was cheating on him with 'the coach.' I was confused because although I accepted my place as a kind of secret mistress to 'the coach,' I couldn't set aside my strong feelings for him. Then I came to learn about other women with whom he became involved. So I got involved with other men. He didn't hold me back, so my promiscuity increased. He became distant, and then I withdrew more. Then we tried to save our friendship at the very least. Things were good for a while until our lives became so different that I felt like I couldn't connect with him anymore. That became brutally apparent when I decided to revive my involvement in his gym business managing the back office operations. I decided to tell him that I no longer wanted to be romantically involved with him in any way. He didn't like that. Not too long after that, I found myself being berated and disrespected by him at a coffee shop because he felt threatened by my ideas to promote his kid's class student of the month. He had never talked to me so disrespectfully, and I had never seen such pride and anger in him. So I shut down and let him yell all he wanted. I knew the real reason he treated me that way was because he felt that I discarded him. I started something with him years ago that he had taken over throughout the years. I decided to end it. I had little contact with him after that fiasco because I felt the need to fulfill my obligations to the students, but once they got completed, I never turned back again. That was a month ago. It took me over three years and a traumatizing verbal assault to finally let go of 'the coach.' My husband knew of my involvement with him, but we already got separated in our marriage by the time he was released from prison and found out. It wasn't a surprise to him when I told him about it. I have no intentions of returning to being involved with 'the coach.' At all. I don't despise him, or feel animosity towards him. I mostly feel sorry for him because he's worse off in his life than he was when I met him and he decided to get involved with prostitutes out of desperation. Ew. I eventually let him know about my grief over seeing how much he has changed for the worse, and what my true feelings for him were. It didn't seem to make a difference. So I moved on.
I remain involved with a few particular men whom I regard as my pillars. They treat me better than most and have survived things with me that I didn't expect them to. Although, I keep in mind that their regard for me will always be lesser than my own for them. I have to be realistic about that so that I don't get ahead of myself and assume I will ever be an exception.
I recently stopped being involved with 'the mechanic.' I knew him for over a decade, and he became romantically involved with me a little over a year ago. He was on a break from his relationship. Things got complicated for us when that break threatened to end. Since then, I struggled through a rollercoaster of events and emotions that eventually led to me figuring out the key to my sanity. Realizing what a narcissist he is. I am an empath who unfortunately got sucked into his charm. I refuse to entertain narcissism anymore. I realized that I welcomed that in 'the coach' as well. Which convinced me more than ever to move on from 'the mechanic.' It was the key to regaining my freedom and stability. Although things were great with him at first, I eventually caught on to his tactics to keep me around, despite any of my efforts to break free from his drama. It was a huge wake-up call.
I am still legally married to my husband. He is aware of my faults. We are separated, although it is unclear whether we will eventually work things out or just divorce. Mostly for other factors that are in play. I'll get into that another time.
These are the things that have lurked within me and weighed heavy on my heart. That have kept me up at night, torn my family apart, and threatened to distance me even more from God. I have feared to express these truths of mine because I remain so connected to the Christian community. I accept my sins of committing adultery. I have yet to repent though; it is one of my greatest struggles. I hope this serves as a form of accountability because I sincerely do not wish to be damned for my deceptions. I also hope that these examples of promiscuity, adultery, and issues in relationships serve as lessons for those struggling with their partners, married or not. I understand the delicate nature of these revelations, and therefore, accept judgment for them.